When it hurts so bad, it’s because I am hanging on so tight.

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That colorful, vibrant, beautiful thing passing by . . .

That’s your life.

Go get it!

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Buddha’s silence was the result of a profound harmony with himself and with the world outside.

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You are never, ever, truly alone.

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Art and life are reflections of creativity and possibility.
What we create is up to us.

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I can honestly say I like who I see, when I see my shadow looking back at me.

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Be still and listen.

~ A Course in Miracles (T.31.II.7.2)

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I write because all my life I’ve felt I had some indescribable connection to something beyond what I can see, hear, taste, feel and know. Writing ~ creativity, actually, is often an outlet for reaching toward that connection in an attempt to gain understanding. Writing is the avenue I travel as I seek to know myself intently and intimately, a way to place my faults and fears and mistakes and accomplishments on paper ~ a self-portrait with words. Seeing those fears and mistakes and things that hold me back give me the courage to move forward. Writing is my way to pass along what I’ve learned, what I’ve gained, to someone else: hope, encouragement, dreams, stumbles and missteps and climbs and back and forths toward something I sense is there for me but am still learning to obtain, accept and welcome with open arms. I thought I was on course, in tune with the Universe, and had something to say. Then something happened and it didn’t mesh with my illusion of that beautiful, simple, spiritual connection. And I realize that for all the things I know and believe in and am so enthusiastically wanting to share, I know nothing. And right now, I’ve simply got nothing to say.

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Summer Breeze . . . Makes Me Feel FINE!

Seals & Crofts – Summer Breeze Live 1973 Midnight Special

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To my 2 beautiful angels on July 10th.

Then, today and every day . . .

You touched my life with your magic and you taught me to believe.

Love, and thinking of you always.

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I work from home, and that made it easy. I spent my days in pajamas and my nights in front of the TV. I didn’t shave anything anywhere in weeks, my unwashed hair was streaked with grey. I had my meals delivered and stole from my landlord’s garden. I began to peer out the windows suspiciously whenever I heard someone pull into the yard.

Okay it wasn’t that bad, but close. I’ve not written in my blog, not shared what’s going on with me, not cared what’s going on with you, not been at all outgoing or social, a genuine part of my nature. And that’s been ok. Over the past few months, I’ve need this time to myself. And I truly like my Alone Time.

But after awhile, it started to get depressingly comfortable. Going out felt like too much work and even getting showered and dressed to go for groceries took several hours. Except for the occasional coffee break and a couple of planned ahead dates on the town, it was just easier to do yoga with iTunes than go to class, easier to be quiet than talk out loud. Most of my time I occupied with work, email and browsing Facebook. Seriously, I probably checked my email no less than 100 times a day. I’d wander over to the computer between feeding the dogs and pouring a cup of coffee, hit the refresh button on my way past to the bathroom, head down to check the mail and glance back out the corner of my eye.

Then the wireless router died. And it became immediately obvious how much these activities filled my space and occupied my time. Suddenly, like the calm before the storm, my world got strangely, eerily but beautifully, quiet. Just me, the wind whistling through the trees, those Ojai mountains sitting silent under blue skies. And a computer screen screaming that it can’t connect to the server. I couldn’t get my fix. I was addicted, only instead of wine or caffeine or food, it was the internet and that false sense of belonging that comes with a new mail message or a friend request, the illusion that I was being productive when I’d spent two hours reading about whatever happened to the cast of What’s Happening!! The anxious security of need-based attachment. Having that thing at my fingertips and thinking that I’m going to miss something big if I walk away.

Based on my own experiences, I believe we use addictions to hide from truths about ourselves, to remove ourselves from what’s maybe painful or scary, to drown out or stuff down the voice of God talking to our divine spiritual self. We shut out our creativity, our flexibility, our potential. And we essentially become detached. Since it’s my story, I believe too that breaking my router was the way the Universe chose to get me off my rear and out of the house. I hit the refresh again, and showered, refresh and dressed, refresh and breakfast. Finally I drove down into Ojai and settled myself into a corner of Ojai Coffee Roasting with my laptop, a view of the street, and a large cup of dark black coffee. Yes, I worked and yes, I checked my email. But I also watched the world going by outside on the street. I listened to the people around me, engaged and enthusiastic conversations.

Turns out it was one of the best days I’ve had in the four months I’ve lived here. And I didn’t really even speak to anyone. Just the act of getting outside and into the sunlight and into the world was enough. To hear life going on around me, was enough. To feel that I am a part of something that is larger than me, and that I am connected to that energy, was enough. To escape self–inflicted boundaries and addicted mindsets and embrace life, was enough. To know that I am alive ~ that alone promises possibility. That alone is enough. In fact, it is everything.

And just so ya know. The coffee’s not bad, either.

My corner view of the world in Ojai Coffee Roasting

Outside Ojai Coffee Roasting

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Today I honor all the wonderful women in my life.

The one I was born to and the ones I was born with, who get me for who I am and encourage with love and honesty though I don’t always make sense.

The one who recognizes me most of the time, but is most intimately connected when she is confused by reality and speaks in metaphor.

The one who yesterday took one look at my face, figured I was having a bad day and offered me a healing session on the spot. I don’t even know her name.

And the ones who have traveled with me through the years, whether it be two or twenty or twenty times two. Through the good and the bad and the silly and the just plain stupid, your love keeps the flame of friendship alive through time and distance and things that just happen. Because that’s what friends do, and that’s what life does sometimes. It just happens.

Thank you all. I love you dearly, and I wish you a beautiful day.

Ya’ll are just so cool, you deserve it.

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Winter is finally over. The cold and dreary days fade away as though a dream. Flowers, trees and fields are alive with the colors and scents and sounds of inevitable spring. My parent’s backyard in Virginia is a little spot of heaven where you can sit on the porch, have a Margarita and watch the hummingbirds in flight. Lightning bugs glow softly as the sun sets to the west, its brilliance and warmth caressing your face. It is a safe and comforting place. The sunflowers there grow to tall heights, eager to embrace the life energy around them. My favorite flower, they represent warmth, happiness, strength and adoration. A symbol of God’s love, the sunflower knowingly turns and lifts its luminous face to the radiant light.

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The following poem was written when I thought about how much my life changed when I simply chose to look at things in a new way. The only thing that really stood between myself and inner peace all those years was my perception of life. ~ SuziCate

She says
Monsters lurk in the darkness
I say
Peace comes in the night
She sees
Worries and heart aches
I see
Things will be alright

She tastes
bitterness in days gone by
I taste
The sweetness of this day
She waits
For her world to fall apart
I wait
For whatever comes my way

She feels
The pounding of the storm
I feel
The dancing of the falling rain
She learns
Dreams can be crushed
I learn
Experience comes through pain

She smells
The stench of her past
I smell
The roses all year long
She hears
The critic in her head
I hear
The beauty of my song

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SuzeCate at The Water Witch’s Daughter is giving away Sunshine Awards, so I went right over there and took mine. I figure I deserve it, if for nothing else, because I’m not going to sit here and complain in a long drawn and out boring post how pissed off I am at my stomach right now.

It’s enough to know that 3 years ago it immediately and without reason developed its own homeostatic balance, but not one that agrees with this human body. The cause could be physiological, psychological, or spiritual ~ I really don’t know, but all obvious physical reasons have been ruled out, so that leaves psychological and spiritual. I’m good with that, because well, there’s a lot of truth to those phrases about butterflies in your stomach and your gut reaction. Maybe there’s something to the fact that for the 3 weeks I was in LA, it all but disappeared. Either way, if there’s one thing I do know about me, it’s that I have a list of things I’ve been working on, and tuning into intuition is one of them. I just find it really hard to hear a damn thing when there’s a beast in my belly.

I’m complaining. So I’ll stop. My point is, today came close to being a really.bad.day. But it wasn’t.

Thanks to the encouragement that only the best of friends can give, I got my work done ~ maybe not a 100% effort, but I’m willing to bet a good 90% ~ and I took that aching, bloated belly, and the rest of my body, out for a good hour hike up the mountain behind our house. Yeah, I still feel like crap, but little miss sunshine showered and got her butt down to the local health food store, too, and there’s nothing like feeling the warm air turn cool driving around this little mountain town with the windows down and beagles ears blowing in the breeze.

I’m symbolically passing along the Sunshine Award to everyone who goes through this with me on an almost daily basis. It’s my goal not to become one of those women who lives exclusively on exercise and wine. Though I doubt that would ever happen because I love food too much, there are times when it seems like a quick and easy and painless solution to an otherwise downright frustrating dilemma.

I mean, a girl’s gotta eat.

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