I’d become a hermit.

I work from home, and that made it easy. I spent my days in pajamas and my nights in front of the TV. I didn’t shave anything anywhere in weeks, my unwashed hair was streaked with grey. I had my meals delivered and stole from my landlord’s garden. I began to peer out the windows suspiciously whenever I heard someone pull into the yard.

Okay it wasn’t that bad, but close. I’ve not written in my blog, not shared what’s going on with me, not cared what’s going on with you, not been at all outgoing or social, a genuine part of my nature. And that’s been ok. Over the past few months, I’ve need this time to myself. And I truly like my Alone Time.

But after awhile, it started to get depressingly comfortable. Going out felt like too much work and even getting showered and dressed to go for groceries took several hours. Except for the occasional coffee break and a couple of planned ahead dates on the town, it was just easier to do yoga with iTunes than go to class, easier to be quiet than talk out loud. Most of my time I occupied with work, email and browsing Facebook. Seriously, I probably checked my email no less than 100 times a day. I’d wander over to the computer between feeding the dogs and pouring a cup of coffee, hit the refresh button on my way past to the bathroom, head down to check the mail and glance back out the corner of my eye.

Then the wireless router died. And it became immediately obvious how much these activities filled my space and occupied my time. Suddenly, like the calm before the storm, my world got strangely, eerily but beautifully, quiet. Just me, the wind whistling through the trees, those Ojai mountains sitting silent under blue skies. And a computer screen screaming that it can’t connect to the server. I couldn’t get my fix. I was addicted, only instead of wine or caffeine or food, it was the internet and that false sense of belonging that comes with a new mail message or a friend request, the illusion that I was being productive when I’d spent two hours reading about whatever happened to the cast of What’s Happening!! The anxious security of need-based attachment. Having that thing at my fingertips and thinking that I’m going to miss something big if I walk away.

Based on my own experiences, I believe we use addictions to hide from truths about ourselves, to remove ourselves from what’s maybe painful or scary, to drown out or stuff down the voice of God talking to our divine spiritual self. We shut out our creativity, our flexibility, our potential. And we essentially become detached. Since it’s my story, I believe too that breaking my router was the way the Universe chose to get me off my rear and out of the house. I hit the refresh again, and showered, refresh and dressed, refresh and breakfast. Finally I drove down into Ojai and settled myself into a corner of Ojai Coffee Roasting with my laptop, a view of the street, and a large cup of dark black coffee. Yes, I worked and yes, I checked my email. But I also watched the world going by outside on the street. I listened to the people around me, engaged and enthusiastic conversations.

Turns out it was one of the best days I’ve had in the four months I’ve lived here. And I didn’t really even speak to anyone. Just the act of getting outside and into the sunlight and into the world was enough. To hear life going on around me, was enough. To feel that I am a part of something that is larger than me, and that I am connected to that energy, was enough. To escape self–inflicted boundaries and addicted mindsets and embrace life, was enough. To know that I am alive ~ that alone promises possibility. That alone is enough. In fact, it is everything.

And just so ya know. The coffee’s not bad, either.

My corner view of the world in Ojai Coffee Roasting

Outside Ojai Coffee Roasting