The new addition to the household.

MarkCarlos is my latest thrift store find. At $50, he was such a bargain that I couldn’t pass him up. Short on space in a studio apartment, but with plenty of overhead real estate, I knew MarkCarlos would fit well in a 13 x 13 living area. The shelves and drawers ~ and even a hamper too! ~ provide invaluable storage space. I couldn’t wait to get that baby home along with a “new” 3-piece sectional sleeper sofa.

The thrift store people delivered MarkCarlos but wouldn’t carry him up to the second floor. He sat in the downstairs hallway waiting for my resident manager to help me heave him up the stairs. He’s big and he’s heavy. And he wouldn’t go through the front door. In my rush to create a comfortable home it never occurred to me to measure the furniture for the doorway. And that’s one of my flaws ~ overlooking the details to get to the end result.

A few years back, I visited a renowned and well-respected astrologer, mainly because I wanted to understand the psychic, spiritual pull Los Angeles has held on me for close to 16 years. It was the best $240 I’ve ever spent. Over the course of 90 minutes he answered that question, outlined upcoming changes and life events, and dissected my personality too, explaining who I am and why I think, feel, act as I do. I transcribed his words into six typed, single spaced pages of transcription that I’ve read over and over again. It serves as a roadmap of where I’ve been and where I’m going and it is almost spooky in its accuracy.

Two things he said were dead-on. One was that I find it hard to relax in any environment that I’m in ~ that I’m always doing, learning, searching, unable to just be. The other thing he said was that I look around and see what’s wrong with my life instead of noticing how innately perfect it, and I, am. And he’s so right. It always about the to-do list, the house that needs furniture, the bills that need paying, the website that needs updating, the computer that needs backing up, the clothes that needs folding, the roots that need coloring. Its about Getting Things Done. Checking off the list, crossing the finish line. I feel like I’m always in a rush and I often find myself feeling agitated, pushed by the clock and skipping over the details. Which obviously came back to bite me in the ass.

But it’s not the clock. It’s me. Living like that keeps that innate perfection from shining through, and it keeps me from doing the things I really want to be doing, like writing my blog and taking pictures. Maybe it’s my way of being fearful, locking that creativity inside behind those walls of useless stuff. I dunno, but I came to LA to do those things, not keep doing what I’ve been doing in the same old pathetic way.

Most of all, this mindframe keeps me cloistered in my own little world. It keeps me from enjoying the spontaneity and synchronicity of life. It keeps me from meeting all the really cool, fascinating, and innately perfect people out there. It keeps me from being one of them.

Last night about 7pm I heard an awful screeching noise outside in the hallway. I opened my door to see Carlos, the maintenance supervisor, on the front lawn with my cupboard and a circular saw. He trimmed an inch of wood off the frame in the back, and he and his assistant proceeded to lug, heave and ho the monstrosity up 15 stairs to my studio. When the thing still wouldn’t go through the front door, he patiently went back downstairs, got the circular saw, and shaved off a bit more wood right there in the hallway. After removing the handles and a piece of moulding and some very slow and accurate maneuvering, MarkCarlos was sitting quietly in the corner liked he’d lived there all his life. Carlos refused to take any payment.

A couple of hours later I took the dogs out for a walk around our block. It was dark, but we usually don’t see anyone else except for a neighbor or two; this time we ran into no less than 3 homeless people before we got to the second corner. A one-eyed young guy asking for a cigarette and money for the bus, another panhandling cars at the intersection, another digging through the trash. All day I’d been concerned with and thrilled by getting the new cupboard in my house and writing a cute little blog about it. Now I didn’t want to do the blog at all because it seems such a trivial thing in light of what goes on right outside my windows.

The guys who made it possible!

And I’m not sure why I’m writing it even now, except that I think it’s time I make a commitment to this innately perfect soul that I am and this innately perfect life that I have to give it the chance to blossom and grow. I look at the people I’ve met in just the past week and the things that have begun to flow and I know that there’s a lot more going on around me than my narrow-minded, spoiled view of my world would have me believe. I’ll be damned if I will choose to let a tiny bank account and lack of a kitchen table, television, or broom create my world. Uh-huh. Nope.