Living Out Loud. ( v10). When I grow up. ~ by Kaylyn Pippin

I wanted to be happy. I used lots of things to try and make believe I was happy. In these ventures I didn’t succeed. I guess I didn’t really want to because I saw people who had many accomplishments and still were not the definition of the word happy. I then found the greatest way to pretend I was happy.

The greatest way to pretend I was happy happened to be reckless abandonment. I drank, did drugs and stayed out all night. I did this until everything I had was gone. Then, I moved back home, with my mother. When I had a job, a car, and money, I did it all over again.

The last and final time I moved back home was different. I got a job, a car and a boyfriend. I managed to keep them for months without my loved ones seeing my addiction. I did drugs at work, at home, just about everywhere. Of course, it eventually caught up with me. I couldn’t function without the drugs. And eventually I knew I couldn’t keep masking the truth: I didn’t want to be numb anymore; I wanted to care about my reality.

I don’t have a job anymore. I can barely pay my bills. I live with my mother. I stayed a short time in a detox facility, and I learned about so many people who were similar to myself. Now it may seem that I should be extremely saddened at this point in my life. However, my life is the complete opposite. You see, I found something better than drugs and possessions. I found the will to live; and that, makes me very happy.